This is just part of my testimony, as I'm not good at writing, and expressing myself in long detail, but want you all to get to know me a little more, maybe not as impressive as the testimonies I have read, but wanted to share with you all, as the most important part, anyway...
When I was in my teens, I heard about the Ouija and Pendulum, and got into it some, as wanted so bad to communicate with my grandmother, but never happened and I lost interest soon after, but as I was told probably some of the effects remain with me, which I pray they are are long gone, but maybe what made me try suicide several times when I knew it is wrong
For the last 30 years I have lived in a live of many ups and downs, mainly due to the way I'm, very sensitive nature, very emotional, but mainly weak and shy, always hiding my feelings, and not opening up, but only to a couple of people.
I have tried suicide 3 times, twice while leaving I was still leaving in Peru, and some wonderful friends gave me so much support both times, not just with kindness but also with a harsh talk trying to make me understand why I was wrong.
Almost 20 years ago, I got married to a great person, although his mother always made it known I was not welcome, later on my children not welcome, and that caused a lot of resentments on my part, caused a lot of discord, and a lot of feelings not disclosed from my husband, he has been keeping them all inside. Also dragged me away from going to Church, as I first started not going due to just not having the time, or being tired, too many different excuses...
10 years ago, I tried to terminate my life again, while already in the US, and didn't realized how serious that was, as the other two times I was just taken to the ER, got meds and went back home, well this time was completely different, my husband calls 911, and I was taken to the state mental facility, spent there 3 days, and that was enough to make me understand and promised not ever again, after this episode , I have battle to keep myself out of falling into depression, all on my own, no medications,, the internet has being a great asset, in helping me relax and know people.
But I'm not perfect and life got very stressful again, back last August, and I end up calling a dear friend [God blessed her, she has gone though a lot, battle breast cancer, and through lots of prayer, she is doing well, although she has also battle many other things like having a bad knee, detachment of her retina], when I mention to her I had been away from Church, she chastised me severely, brought me to tears, then said go and pray, calm down, pray the Lord's prayer very slowly, as many times as it takes for you to calm down, not sure how many times I did that, but spend all the rest of the day praying, after that I made a Resolution to get back to Church and no more excuses, even if by being in Church would be extremely painful, as it made me see what I have done and left undone, I was so blessed to meet a wonderful Priest who accepted to be my Spiritual counselor, when I open up to Him, he had no words of correction, but only kindness, and he has being always this way. Around a month ago, things escalated to a point, I felt I could not go on, I wanted to go to Church more often than just once a week, and my husband denied that away from me saying once was more than plenty. I one Saturday got so angry and said things, then he said I would not be able to go to Church the next day, that got me extremely out of control, I started feeling sick, my blood pressure had gone up and my Atrial Fibrillation was very active, I asked to be allowed to stay home and not go to the ball game, but was told to get ready, I went to take my meds before we went out, but instead of taking the normal amount took a couple extra ones hoping it will lower my blood pressure and calm down the Atrial Fib, well later on I end up getting sicker, my husband calls the ambulance, and I was told the meds have interacted and caused me to have a cardiac arrest, I actually died and was brought back after 6 electroshocks, one of my meds had quit working and was building up in my organism, the new med I had started taking a few days ago, was making it build up even more, and the extra dose I took only made it worst, although I never told anybody of the extra dose, except my priest and now you all. Once they got me stable, my priest came to see me, and after 20 years, I'm allowed to receive the Sacraments again, of course all has its sacrifices, and I had to make a small promise, which is nothing in comparison to the Joy I experience every time I receive the Lord.
Since the last 4-5 weeks, My Faith, and love for God are getting bigger, still not allowed to have the freedom to go to Church as I wish, in fact, not allowed to drive anywhere by myself, but I only earned that by stupidly doing something to betray the trust from my husband, I met with somebody behind his knowledge, never happened anything, but still, I betray his trust, he has said he is forgiving me, but just yesterday morning on our way to Church through that on my face, and said other things that really hurt, as he threw in my face all he has done in the last twenty years of marriage, and also blame me for contributing to some doings of his mother, which contributed to put me in the state I was all day long...
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