The events that lead up to this began happening in october of 2009, in fairfield, California. i began having, what i felt, was a nervous breakdown. every night after work, i found myself crying, and not just crying, but sobbing, over what, i did not know. what i do know, is i couldn't stop. this happened for weeks. at this time i should have been content. i had ended a tumultuous 4 year relationship and was planning a move to LA to embark on a whole new journey.
when i was driving back to sacramento, where i was currently staying, i heard someone speaking to my heart. it wasn't audible. but they were speaking nonetheless. it was as if i was being offered a fork in the road. "if you make that your last pack of cigarettes, you won't have any withdrawals." WHAAAT?? i began to believe i was losing my mind. this would make sense with all the crying fits. but it was repeated. well, that got my attention because i hated those cigarettes. i smoked almost 2 packs a day of marlboro reds and they were killin' me. i always thought, "what a waste. you don't even get high." so this was something i was interested in. i picked up the pack and there were 6 left. so i chain smoked them back to the room to see what would happen. i never picked another one up again, and indeed, i had absolutely no withdrawals. amazing, yes. enough to deter my plans, no.
i packed and left for one final job in seattle. when i moved to seattle, i began to feel different. like a weight was beginning to lighten. they asked me to come to spokane to help out there and i did. one night in my hotel, i went to bed completely homosexual. my mannerisms, dress, body language, etc. all very masculine. i hated men, angry at every one for the abuse that i had suffered by a neighbor when i was a child. when i awoke, there was a presence in the room that i cannot find the words to completely explain. it was a peace i had never experienced before. it was as if nothing had ever been wrong, nothing could be wrong, and nothing could ever be wrong again. i felt the presence leaving the room, and i jumped up in bed and yelled, "No!!! Don't go!!!!" but it was too late. now this whole event only lasted maybe 5 or 6 seconds, believe it or not, but will truly be something i remember for the rest of my life. i got up and decided i would smoke a little weed and try to figure things out. what was happening to me? it seemed spiritual, but i couldn't put the pieces together. i turned the tv to a news anchor that was on in the mornings that i liked and couldn't understand why she wasn't interesting to me.
i looked up and asked a very crazy question. "did you make me straight?" i wasn't prepared for what i was about to hear. "yes. and I have the right man for you. all the crying you experienced was the healing from the abuse you suffered. i want you to go into the world and tell your story to as many who will listen. i want to use you to deliver those who are bound by the enemy." so my first reaction was, for whatever reason, "i don't know how to be a girl. i don't know how to dress like a girl, talk like a girl, walk like a girl, none of it. what am i going to do???" and He said, "I will teach you." and that He did.
i will have been drug free for 2 years in june 2012, and my identity was completely restored. i finally have peace. and i owe it all to Jesus Christ.