He spoke to my heart and said, "Why don't you share with
them your disappointment with Me?" i immediately started to cry, and felt
very guilty...number one, that i would have any disappointment with Him at all,
and number two, that He would want me to share it. He reminded me that by only
showing my sunny side and not acknowledging that a darker side exists is a form
of pride, and if i had any pride, He would not be able to use me. so i am here
allowing myself to be unburdened by this, exposing a vulnerable side that i do
not wish to, in the hopes that it will reach the hearts of those reading it and
show the Lord that I am willing to open myself up if indeed He wishes to speak
these types of messages through me.
So here it goes. i was barely out of high school when I
embarked on a spree of long relationships that spanned almost two decades. The
only way to say this is that in 17 years, i was never once alone. Many people
are co-dependent and like to stay in lengthy relationships, but there weren't
any breaks for me. Not even a few months. I always knew i wasn't happy by
myself, and i assumed it was because i didn't care for the person i was. But
the Lord opened my eyes to the real meaning shortly after i was delivered. He
reminded me that every time a relationship ended for me, i became extremely
depressed and began to pray. one of the chapters in my book explains this and
is entitled, "i love You...goodbye" for this reason. i never expected
to share this apart from the book, so this is strictly His leading. The Lord
once spoke to me that when someone prays, He is not the only One listening,
therefore He isn't the only One answering, either. Our enemy would love to lead
us astray if he can by suggesting an alternative answer to our prayers, and
those who are not well discerned or are living without the Holy Spirit are
susceptible to this false leading by a false god. so, when i would break down
crying over another heartbreak, almost immediately someone else would appear on
the scene. I was sure this was "the one", so much better than the one
before, and i was instantly rescued. So after falling on my knees in agony and
allowing the Lord to pick me up and dust me off again, i immediately said a
spiritual "goodbye" when the enemy practically threw the next one at
me. i never "dated" anyone and i don't even know what all that
entails. We were always both instantaneously swept away, and usually living
together within a week. The devil breathed a sigh of relief that i no longer
needed God, and the Lord watched me a total of 8 times leave Him for a woman.
now, this is something that i've carried around for a long time, and is in a
way somewhat freeing to express how much guilt i have felt for this, but i know
the Lord knew at that time i was not only weak, but that i also didn't feel
like i could keep a relationship with Him and live the lifestyle that i was
living. i knew He could see i couldn't change myself, and that in itself was
enough to rid me of most of the guilt. When i was delivered, He took me into a
place of solitude that i have never experienced before.
In July, it will be three years since i have been in a
relationship. Through it all, i always loved the Lord the same. as a matter of
fact, this is the time that i fell completely head over heels in love with Him,
and He was able to rid me of my co-dependency and allow me to rely on Him
alone. the last two years were strangely enough the loneliest two years of my
life, and at the same time, the very best. i have grown so much in Him and i am
more than astonished how much He has changed me. pride has been the main thing.
when i was gay, i had the ego the size of France. it isn't
hard to tell from those old pictures. it never occured to me that the enemy
placed those women there to keep me away from God. i just believed it must be
me. Well, i have gone from being the cockiest person alive, to one of the
shyest. i don't have the first clue how to talk to men, so i usually stay
quiet. I’m self-conscious instead of an egomaniac, i am timid instead of loud
and opinionated, and i am oblivious to the conversation we should have instead
of always knowing exactly what to say. There isn't a doubt in my mind He has
stripped me of pride. Yet, that's not the message here. i am upset with Him. i
am almost 38 years old and I’ve never had a boyfriend. Now that i am a
heterosexual woman i would like to know what that's like. And He keeps telling
me, "not yet." and i am depressed and confused and impatient and yes,
even a little disappointed. i am fully aware how bad this may sound after He
went as far as He did to save me, but after two years i am beginning to lose
hope. I’m almost embarrassed to say it's like being a 16 year old in a 37 year
olds body. All these emotions are new, yet all i can do is shove them away as
if they don't exist. All of this happened when i was 35. Why 35??? Why not
25??? i could already be married with kids and He could have used me to help so
many more people. If you're thinking that i sound ungrateful, i agree. It does
sound that way. But i'm not. i thank Him every day for what He's done for me. I’m
just lonely. and human. and although i know that He told me He has the right
man for me, i'm impatient.
Now i shared this with you because He layed it on my heart to
do so, and because the Lord knows there are some of you who are battling this
as well. You know you should be ecstatic every second of every day no matter
what because you have your salvation, but you are human. The Lord wants you to
know that He understands why you're disappointed. Some of you have been praying
the same prayer for a long time and you're tired of believing. You’ve given up
hope that you'll ever see that loved one come to salvation. You are depressed
and you don't feel like He's really answering your cries for relief. He took
someone you loved and you don't know why. You’ve been praying for a
breakthrough in your health problems. Financial problems, marriage problems, the
list goes on and on. What He is speaking to my heart is of your not to lose
your hope. The hope and faith you carry in your heart is a direct line to the
heart of Jesus. And He has heard you. He's not sitting idly by while you become
destitute. He is working behind the scenes. He is orchestrating new events that
will eventually lead to the answer to your grief. Many times we can't see Him
at work, so we believe He must not be doing anything. Nothing could be further
from the truth. His ways are above ours, so we can't begin to understand the
intricate ways He is weaving events, one into another, constructing a bridge
that will lead you to your answer.
The final outcome will be a strong and stable one, due to the
specific details that He places in each circumstance. These are things we are
just not able to see right now. And it will undoubtedly strengthen us as we
struggle through it, and enlarge our faith when we find ourselves at the other
side. So let it all out to Him. Tell Him you don't understand. Tell Him you
can't take it anymore. Tell Him you are losing hope. Tell Him that you're
disappointed. He can take it. After i got honest before Him today, crying and
complaining that i was sick of being without someone and tired of wondering and
hoping and dreaming about something i feel I’ll never have, He reached His hand
out and gave me peace. i know eventually He will send the right man, but for
now i can be content in knowing that i can break down and question Him, and He
still loves me. He still calms me. He reminds me that He is God and His ways are
perfect, including His timing. I pray that you will unburden yourself to Him as
well. He loves you. And He understands. And He's ready for all of your
questions, even when they are about Him. God bless.
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